It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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