I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
