She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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