Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
