So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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