i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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