And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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