I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
