he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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