wrigley field is MILF paradise
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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