turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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