weddingsv make me drug and hornr
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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