where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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