Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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