I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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