I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
