Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
