I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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