Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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