I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm passing your future prison.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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