Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
