I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I think I just sharted jello shots
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