you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
