I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
