Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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