Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
