I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She's just so happy...and so naked.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
