I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
