My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
