Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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