girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
