I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
