Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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