so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
