Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
