I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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