I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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