I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
