There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize