One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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