the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
