OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
