Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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