listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
