We're facebook friends in real life
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
