my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
