what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
