i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
