Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
