just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
