Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Randomize
