I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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