On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
