Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
