Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
