I just made out with a guy for $7.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
