so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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