my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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