I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
