So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize